Truth
by imdoingthiswhy
Summary: Another look at "the conversation" when Kate's anger allows her mouth to work without permission from her mind. Anger/Angst/Working it out/Fluff     Some spoilers for season 4 up to "Cuffed"


Truth

Kate Beckett was getting a small taste of her own medicine, and she didn't like it. She was temporarily forgetting the times Josh had shown up where Castle could see him, holding her or reaching for her with a comfortable familiarity that, somewhere deep down, she knew would make the writer jealous, would hurt him. But all she could think now was that she had to remember seeing Richard Castle kiss another woman, and periodically she found herself approaching a green-eyed rage. It didn't matter that he told her it was as much an undercover move as kissing her had been months ago – well, maybe they both knew that wasn't _only_ an undercover move then, but she wasn't granting him that much leeway right now. It only mattered that he had kissed Serena Kaye…and she saw it. It was burned into her memory. In the end, thinking she had put him off long enough to lose him, she basically told Serena what a good man Castle is and resigned herself to seeing him walk away with someone else.

When Serena left and Castle didn't, Kate was joyfully surprised by hope. She took him to Remy's and treated him to a hamburger; and, as they had all through their relationship, they talked about anything and everything else, as if nothing had happened.

The next morning she stood in front of the counter in the break room, ostensibly getting herself a cup of coffee from Castle's fancy machine, but she was too deep in thoughts of him to do more than stand there.

Castle entered the precinct just as Kate went into the break room. He settled himself in the chair next to her desk, played with a couple of the things she kept there as he waited, and sneaked a few pieces of the candy she had left out; then, noticing how long she had been away from her desk, he went to check on her.

"Forget how to use it?" he teased as he came in, seeing that she had only gotten as far as having a mug in her hand.

Startled out of her thoughts by his sudden entrance, she fumbled with the mug, and he reached out to help, his hands folding warm around hers as he saw to it that the mug was firmly back in her grip. As Ryan and Esposito breezed in, they moved apart and watched the boys making short work of getting their morning caffeine before heading back to work.

"Mornin' bro,'" Esposito said with a grin. When he and Ryan moved past Castle, Esposito slapped him on the shoulder as they went back out the door, coffee mugs in hand. "Kissed any blondes this morning?" he asked, chuckling, not realizing what he had set in motion.

Castle cringed at the remark. He and Beckett had parted on good terms the night before, but the look on her face after that little quip was not a good sign for today. Hoping to salvage something of the good will from the night before, he took the mug from her hand, and filled it, adding what he knew she liked. Coffee always helped any discussion with Kate Beckett, and the break room was certainly a much better place to talk than in the middle of the bullpen.

"Thanks," she said sharply, taking the mug, but not sounding at all appreciative.

"Rough morning already?" he asked.

"No more than usual," she snapped back, knowing she was being unreasonable but unable to stop herself. Projecting anger was one of her defense mechanisms. Unfortunately for her, she was dealing with Richard Castle, who had a lot of those mechanisms figured out.

"Anything you want to talk about?" he asked as he got coffee for himself. There was no answer. "There's coffee on your desk, just the way you like it," he tried. "You could have that instead." Still no answer. She had even turned away from him after accepting the coffee. "Well, judging from the chill in here, I'd say maybe you'll need both." More silence as she took a sip of her coffee. "Would you please tell me what's wrong? I haven't been here long enough this morning to get myself into trouble."

"It has nothing to do with this morning," she finally answered, in a fit of pique.

"Aaah. Does it have something to do with last night?"

"You couldn't think of any other way to distract her than to kiss her?"

"Right at that moment, no," he retorted, losing some of his patience. "I thought I told you last night that I didn't _want_ to kiss her."

"It didn't look like you minded."

"You're angry because you're jealous."

"No. It's just that it's…so…unprofessional."

He walked around to face her, took her mug, put it on the counter with his, and looked directly at her, ready to stand his ground in this argument. "And now, after three years, another of my brief lapses into being unprofessional makes you this angry? Not buying it, Beckett. Want to try again? Maybe you were just a little bit jealous?"

For once he wasn't using the word just to give her a hard time. She knew he was serious, and it made her even more nervous, pushing her farther into her angry, defensive mode. "Do you always assume that you're that special…that a woman will always be jealous of you?"

"I don't want all women to be jealous. I'm very selective."

She turned away again and spat out, "When a man says he loves a woman, she doesn't expect to find him kissing someone else." She had retreated so far into her anger that she didn't realize what she had said until she heard Castle's answer.

"Whoa. Back up a minute. Which man told which woman that he loves her?"

When she turned back to look at him in surprise and his eyes suddenly looked angry, Kate knew what she had done.

"Are we talking about me…and the woman who remembers nothing from that day? You do remember," he accused. To his credit, he was keeping his voice down because of where they were; but to Beckett's guilty mind, he might as well have been shouting. When she looked away instead of answering, the truth was obvious. "You remembered all this time, didn't you? Look at me, Kate Beckett! You owe me at least that.

She looked back at him hesitantly. "Rick, I'm sorry."

"You never forgot…all this time…. You knew how I felt about you, and you cut me out of your life for _three months_ while I tried to work through watching the life drain out of you in my arms…knowing that if I'd minded my own business and left your mother's case alone, it never would have happened? Then I get some vague speech about walls, and everything is back to where it was before…and I'm supposed to be patient and wait…not push the issue…while you pretend you know nothing? And you're angry with me for last night…a kiss that you know meant nothing to me?"

"Let me…."

"No. Not this time, Kate. I understand walls. I understand having to work things out. I understand waiting. I even understand not mentioning something you'd rather not talk about. I do _not_ understand outright lies…repeated lies. You can keep hiding behind your lies if you want, but I'm not hiding anymore. I love you. I'm willing to wait for you. I want us to have "always", but "always" doesn't work when only one person is making an effort; and we can't even seem to have an adult conversation about it…an _honest_ adult conversation. How long did you intend to play this game?"

"It wasn't a game. It was…I just couldn't figure out…"

"You know where I stand. When you figure out the rest, let me know," he snapped. He turned to leave, but stopped at the door, took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and turned back. The anger in his eyes was quiet and replaced with what Beckett knew was deep hurt. His hand still on the door knob, he said softly, "Kate, I'll always love you, but I can't do this alone. If there's no chance…if it's all been a fantasy that I've written in my head, you need to tell me. Think about it, and then talk to me. That's all I'm asking. All I need for now is hope. I'm not going to bother you again unless you tell me there's a reason."

He turned toward the door but stopped a second time and returned to stand close to her. "She was intriguing…Serena. I could see her as another character for the books…another sexy, female professional…as good at her job as Nikki is…an equal, something Nikki doesn't find very often. You know how my mind wanders. I was experimenting with the character every time I was around her. She would be someone Nikki could work with, or fight with, or be jealous of…and then to find out she was a thief, too…with so many interesting contacts…and the Nazi connection…. How could a writer resist the pull to know more? And you practically threw me at her, told me, 'Do what you want, Castle.' I might have had a drink with her a couple of times and asked a lot of questions, listened to what she was telling me, reading between the lines; but I would never have asked her to dinner if you hadn't told me to. And I certainly would never have kissed her if I could have thought of another way to distract her from you and the boys leaving her room. But, Kate, even Serena could see 'us.' When she left, she said good-bye, kissed my cheek, and told me she didn't steal things that belong to someone else. She knew I wasn't interested in pursuing her." He moved closer, leaned in before Kate came to her senses, and placed a soft, lingering kiss on her lips, which she returned without thinking. "No comparison. Worth waiting for," he murmured appreciatively just before he turned, opened the door, and walked directly into the already open elevator behind one of the uniformed officers.

"Rick…" she called after him, but by the time she was in the hallway, the elevator was on its way down. She walked quickly to the blessedly empty rest room to pull herself together, pacing back and forth a few times…cursing herself for being so spineless that she felt she had to lie. She knew she deserved his anger, and berated herself for the pain she could see when he left. Bother her? How could he think he _bothers_ her? Then again, how could he not, at least sometimes? Why did it have to be so hard? Why did she have to make it so hard?

She roughly brushed away the tears and splashed water on her face. The last thing she needed right now was to have the captain see her crying over anything at all, let alone over the civilian partner Gates didn't want at the precinct to begin with. With her head down, hoping it would look like she was deep in thought, she returned to her desk and found paperwork to occupy her mind until she was back in control of herself. When Ryan and Esposito asked about Castle later, she told them he had to spend some time at his real job…deadlines and all that…an explanation which would stave off questions for a few days if it came to that.

Late that afternoon, Kate called Lanie and was ordered to her friend's apartment for pizza and ice cream…and a long talk. She knew the sound of her voice was probably all it took to convince Lanie that Kate was probably long overdue for a good reality check, and possibly a good raking over the coals.

Late in the morning three days later, after a lot of arguing with herself, no small amount of soul-searching, a large measure of anxiety, and another visit with her therapist, Kate was carrying out a decision; and she had taken a rare, voluntary day off work to do it. She wanted to have time to talk to Castle while his daughter and his mother were at their respective schools. She didn't ever again want to be the reason for the hurt she saw before he left the break room. A more serious relationship wasn't something she felt ready for quite yet, but she didn't want to miss their chance and see him walk away with someone else, either. Who was she kidding? Even without the therapist's help, she knew they already had a better relationship than a lot of people find in a lifetime of looking. She was just too big a coward to reach out and accept it.

She paid the cab driver, took a deep breath, and steeled herself. What was wrong with her? If she could face down men pointing guns at her and wishing her no good, why was Castle so daunting? All he ever wanted for her was the best the world could offer.

As she walked toward the entrance to Castle's building, the doorman smiled at her. "'Morning, Miss Beckett. It's good to see you. It's been a while."

"Good to see you, too. Do you know if he's in?"

"I think so. I haven't seen him leave this morning."

"Thanks," she answered as she entered the lobby.

Feeling decidedly less confident than her bearing would indicate, she took another deep breath and pushed the elevator button. When she reached Castle's floor, she made three failed attempts before she finally forced herself to ring the bell at his loft. She was looking down when Castle answered the door, not feeling sure she wanted to see his face. She didn't know what to expect.

"Detective Beckett." It was a formal sound, serving as both a greeting and a question as he held out his arm to invite her in.

"Are you still speaking to me?" she asked, glancing up at him cautiously as she entered.

He closed the door and walked toward the kitchen. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"No. I just want to talk."

Castle sat on one of the bar stools and moved the one next to him out for Beckett, pulling it close to his, and she sat down facing him, their knees almost touching.

"Does this mean you have something to say? Something I can believe?"

"I deserve that."

"Yes, you do," he answered, folding his arms across his chest and waiting.

"I didn't mean it to be a game, Rick." She looked at him directly when she spoke, hoping he would see the sincerity in what she said. "It was never a game. It was supremely bad judgment. I should never have lied to you about something so important, and I'm really sorry I did."

"Then why? If you didn't feel the same way, you could have told me. Why ignore me for three months and then string me along again like nothing happened?" He was obviously still angry, but it appeared that he intended to listen.

"Because you scare the hell out of me, Castle." She was looking down again, nervously fiddling with her fingernails…an uncharacteristic move for her.

"Why?"

"I could always walk away from a man before. I could be tough Detective Kate Beckett, who doesn't need anybody; but you don't let me get away with that. You find ways to let me know I need things that even I didn't know I needed. You make me eat when I forget…rest when I've pushed myself too hard. You really care about me." She looked up to gauge his reaction so far. "You make me look at myself and see what's really there." She stopped for a moment and lowered her eyes again. "Sometimes I don't like what I see," she admitted quietly.

"Kate…."

She interrupted, rushing on, afraid if she didn't finish what she intended to say, she might lose her nerve. "You make me think about what I want besides the job…I had lost that. I'm happier when you're around…even when you're annoying. I miss you when you aren't there. I feel like things are out of sync until you're back." She paused and looked up again before she added, "I can't imagine my life without you. I don't want to imagine my life without you."

"And that's a bad thing?" He uncrossed his arms, and rested one on the countertop, making him look more approachable.

"No," she answered, shaking her head, "It's a scary thing…for me, anyway." She looked away briefly, then faced him. "At first I just had too many things to cope with. I had to be well enough to leave the hospital. I had to get Josh out of the picture. I had the physical therapy. There was pain, and anger, and frustration…and fear…. I was scared and grouchy and physically damaged…and I didn't want you to see me like that. I didn't want you and your family to be caught up in the danger that was following me. All of it…it was overwhelming. I didn't mean for it to be three months…it just happened. And I didn't know how to handle it."

His face softened then, but the hurt was still evident. "Just a few words to explain would have made it easier. You know I would have understood. But I felt every minute of that time. My family had seen you shot, watched me come close to it. Part of the time I thought you might blame me for almost getting you killed…for Roy. I blame myself. If I'd left your mother's case alone, it wouldn't have happened. My daughter was angry, she and my mother were both afraid, we all had nightmares. I was juggling all that, being there for them while I was dealing with the fact that I had nearly lost you…wondering if I'd ever have you back. One of the worst times in my life, and I couldn't call my best friend…the woman I love…or knock on your door to just look at you…to see that you were still there. All I wanted was to be able to help you. I needed to be there to help you, but you closed me out…with no explanation, as if I didn't matter to you at all."

She brought her hands up and covered her face briefly before exhaling sharply and taking them down, resting her arm on the countertop, her hand close to his. "I know…and I wish I could take it back." Looking up at him again, she admitted, "I don't know why you're still willing to see me, to even talk to me again. I seem to hurt you over and over. I don't want to keep doing that."

"Apparently you do know why I'm still willing. Is that what scares you?"

"Rick, you want 'always,' and you've made me want it, too. I've lost almost everybody who matters in my life." The agitation showed more in her voice as she continued. "Suppose we try for 'always' and we can't make it work. Suppose we start something more than we have now, and I screw things up again. Suppose I've caused you so much trouble that your family doesn't want me around…or they just don't like me. Suppose we get into a relationship and you discover how much bigger a disaster Kate Beckett is than you've ever imagined…and you can't take it anymore. Suppose…."

"Suppose…." He barely got the word in.

"I went back to the therapist after I was cleared for duty…."

"I didn't know," Castle interrupted, taking her hand in his and rubbing his thumb in small strokes across her fingers. "You should have told me. But that's good. Is it helping?"

"I think so," she admitted, "but I still have so far to go. I'm a real train wreck right now. You're the best thing in my life, Castle. I'm so afraid I'll want too much, or try to move too fast, and make a mess of it…and lose you, too. I don't think I know how to be without you anymore."

When a couple of uninvited tears rolled from her eyes, Castle trailed his hand up to her elbow and gave it a reassuring squeeze as she brushed the unwelcome drops away with her other hand. At the same time, he leaned slightly forward and rested one finger on her lips to keep her from talking, easing his fingers over to brush soft strokes over her cheeks and jaw line as he spoke.

"I know there are layers of Kate Beckett that I haven't seen yet, but I think I have a good idea of what kind of mess is in there. I love you now, exactly the way you are. Even if you never work it out…I'm not going anywhere. I don't have any intention of telling you how to fix your personal demons. I just want to have your back while you figure out how you're going to kick their butts." Stopping briefly and giving her a little smile, he admonished, "You should never fight demons without back-up."

He stood and wrapped his arms around her loosely and sounded more serious again. "Try to trust me, Kate. You don't ever have to hide anything from me. It isn't weakness to try to fix your problems, or to ask for help. That takes strength. And it isn't weakness to break down now and then in the process. It's all part of the journey. I'll go to the therapist with you if it would help…or take you there and wait outside to hold you up if it's too much…or just wait for you to call when you need me."

"The therapist…he already knows about you." She smiled slightly and leaned closer, resting her head on his shoulder, finally relaxing a little. "I've talked about you a lot. I have the sneaking suspicion he might consider being on your side, but he'd never say so."

"I'm liking him already."

"He asked me once if I was afraid you wouldn't wait…or afraid you would."

"Good question," he answered, resting his head on hers. "Did you have an answer?"

"I'm here because I'm hoping you will…because I don't want to give another Serena a chance to take you away."

His answered with a tighter hug. "She never stood a chance against you. Don't you believe that yet?"

"Maybe," she conceded, bringing her hand to his chest. "I'm working on it."

He allowed himself a little smile at that. "Is there anything else about us that scares you?" he asked, brushing a light kiss on her head. "We might as well get it all out so we know where to start."

She still didn't look at him…didn't want to see his face when she talked about it; but it was time for truth, and he had just given her the perfect opening. She played with one of the buttons on his shirt while she worked up the nerve to tell him. Consciously leaving Josh's name out of the conversation, she answered, "A heart surgeon had to open my chest to bring me back. I have a big, ugly scar now…and one from a bullet wound. Suppose you can't stand to look at them...or touch them."

"That's something we can put to rest right now," he answered softly, pulling back to look at her. "Let me see."

To his surprise, although she hesitated before she stood and stepped back, she moved far enough away that he could see, and then she lifted her hands to her shirt. Her hands weren't as steady as usual when she reached for the buttons, so he gently moved them away and unbuttoned it slowly, allowing her time to change her mind if she wanted to. Pushing the shirt out of the way, he forced himself to think past the sexy, lacy bra and concentrated on what Beckett needed to know. He looked at the scars and ran his thumb up and down the long one lovingly before he moved his hands to caress her sides, crossing the second scar gently as he did.

"These scars mean you survived, Kate." He leaned and kissed her cheek. "I'll be thankful for these scars every day of our lives. There's nothing about them that turns me away or keeps me from thinking you're beautiful. Nothing. Understand?"

She finally felt herself exhale, wrapped her arms around his waist in relief, and dropped her head back on his chest.

"You really mean that, don't you?"

"Never meant anything more in my life," he answered, both hands now under the back of her shirt, reassuringly tracing small patterns here and there on her bare skin. "So is that one more little chink out of the wall?"

"I think so."

She held him tighter, and he responded in kind.

"Then, while we're supposing…suppose we start with the idea that your mother would want you to be happy. I know she wouldn't want you to put off being happy until after you solve her case…or to get yourself killed while you try. I know because I'm a parent, and I would _not_ consider that an appropriate way to honor my memory. Being miserable or dead is not what I'd want for Alexis if something happened to me. I'd want her to build the kind of life she and I had together…the kind of life we both loved and enjoyed.

"Suppose you don't have to work so hard for this alone. Suppose we actually face what's between us. Suppose we tear at that wall first and then at the case…together. I meant it, Kate. I'll do whatever you need me to do to help you…go to therapy with you, back off when you need some space, be right beside you when you need me, any hour of the day or night…anything."

He planted another kiss on her head and continued on a different path. "And suppose you realize that you scare the hell out of me, too. My track record at long-term relationships isn't so noteworthy, either. I've had a girlfriend leave me and two wives cheat on me before they left. I apparently wasn't enough to hold their interest. Suppose we try this and my annoying ways are more than you can stand. I have a family. We're a package deal. Suppose we take it as far as my family becoming yours, too, and you realize you're not okay with that. Suppose we're too much for you; we can be a little overpowering, you know. Suppose the publicity is too intrusive. Suppose you finally decide you can't tolerate life with an overgrown child, and you stop wanting me. Suppose the fact that I'll always want to take care of you becomes too stifling." He paused briefly and added softly, "Suppose I'm not enough to keep you, either."

"God, Rick," she interrupted with a weak laugh, leaning back from him just enough to see his face. "How can this possibly work? It sounds like you're telling me that you're as insecure as I am."

"Maybe not quite," he retorted good-naturedly, "but I have my own issues. I'll show you mine, if you'll show me yours," he added, wiggling his eyebrows provocatively. The teasing finally gave her hope that the unforgivable mess she'd created might be salvageable.

"You're incorrigible. Has anybody told you that recently?" The bare hint of a smirk was at the corners of her lips.

"Yeah, but it didn't bother me much."

"I suspect it never did."

In response, he gave her one of his signature smiles before he reached down to re-button her blouse. "Alexis has a short day at school today, and she'll be home for lunch. As much as I _reeeeally_ like where my hands were, I wouldn't want to traumatize her by letting her find her dad with his hands wandering around under your unbuttoned shirt."

"No. Wouldn't be good." Kate agreed, not moving to try to help him finish his task, just enjoying what was left of his touch. Placing her hands on his chest, she asked, "Will she be okay with this? It wasn't long ago that she was pretty unhappy with me."

"She'll be okay. She was angry and frightened then. I'm the only real parent she's been able to count on. She still looks up to you, Kate. She and Mother both care about you. They like you a lot…except, of course, when they think you're mistreating me."

"That probably means they'd rather not see me right now," she answered ruefully. "Would you rather I go before Alexis gets here? Do we say something when she comes home? Do we just let her figure it out? I'm out of my league here.

"First, I haven't seen you in three days. You're staying right here. And second, we probably don't need to say much. She's pretty perceptive. She already knows how important you are to me. You should know that you're the only woman I've brought home since Gina, the only one I didn't marry who's been allowed to know my daughter. If I had…a little fling…it was never here. I didn't want her to see that, even if she knew it was happening elsewhere. It felt wrong…disrespectful, I guess. And I didn't want anyone trying to get to me by using my daughter."

"I'm…wow. I didn't know that." She took a moment to process that thought, the number of times she had been with Alexis...the way he smiled when he saw them getting along well. "You do understand that she was a part of keeping you away this summer, don't you? She had already watched you try to jump in front of a bullet for me. I couldn't let her lose you. I was only a couple of years older than Alexis when I lost my mother, and I couldn't let it happen to her just because someone was after me."

"I know that now, but I doubt whoever is out there would hesitate if they thought I was helping. And they probably did. I have good, inconspicuous security for both Mother and Alexis. We'll just have to believe they can do their jobs. The fault isn't yours. I've made just as many decisions that put us here."

Kate opened her mouth to object, but he stopped her.

"No arguments, Kate. Just accept it. If you take time to think it through, you'll know I'm right. It's a painful thought for me, but it's my responsibility."

She nodded acceptance for the moment, though she still looked skeptical; then she looked up at him, giving him one more chance to change his mind. "Are you sure you're ready to take on the chaos that is Katherine Beckett?"

"Have been for a while now." His hand strayed to her face again, tenderly touching his fingertips to her cheeks. "Don't keep trying to do everything alone. Let me help. It's what partners are for…what families are for."

"I'm not good at that…but I think maybe it would be nice."

"Is there anything else you'd like to tell me, Detective, anything else you need to know?" He dropped his hands to her waist in a loose hug.

"Yeah." She leaned her forehead against his chest. "For the record, I don't know why your wives left, but I don't think it was because you weren't enough. I think it was because they were idiots." She paused, and the quietly asked question appeared almost without her permission. "Did you ever cheat on them?"

"Not even once. When I make a commitment, I keep it."

"I think I've known that for a long time. One of the things I…." She paused as if working up her nerve. "I'm willing to try this if you are. I really want us to work. I do want 'always,' but I'm not sure I know how to make it happen.

"Patience and determination, Kate. A day at a time…until it falls into place. We'll take it at whatever pace works for you."

"You may need a lot of patience."

"As long as I have a lot of you."

"As much of me as you can stand...well…as much as I can handle right now." She looked up at him again. "I'm trying hard."

"That's all I need right now."

With a trace of her characteristic smirk, she asked, "Can we keep this to ourselves for the time being…let it sink in? It would be nice to enjoy the idea for a little while…get used to it before the teasing starts and we have to watch the bets being paid off."

"Whatever you want," he agreed. "We probably ought to keep it from Gates as long as we can, anyway. But," he added, smiling broadly, "it's going to be hard not to walk into the precinct tomorrow with a case of champagne and shout, 'Kate Beckett is mine!'" He leaned closer, cupping her face in his hand; and, with the lingering exuberance of his last statement, he proclaimed, "I love you, I love you, I love you," and kissed her soundly to punctuate his words."

She finally smiled…really smiled…wrapped her arms around his neck to return his kiss, and found the courage to tell him firmly, "I do love you, Richard Castle." Then she nestled her head on his shoulder again and laughed softly. "Remind me why it was so hard to get here. It feels so good to say it."

"It feels phenomenally good to hear it, too."

"It probably won't feel this easy when I have time to think about it. It could be one step forward and two steps back for a while."

"That wouldn't surprise me," he admitted, "but we'll work through it. Partners. Remember? We'll do this together. Your speed."

"Okay…partners."

After a long moment of just holding one another, each allowing the reality of all the afternoon's honesty to sink in, Castle couldn't help himself. "Is it too early to talk about little Castle babies?" he teased from just above her head, grinning at the shocked look he knew he'd find on her face when she immediately pulled back and looked at him. "See? You'll need a lot of patience, too."

This was them, she thought, finding humor through even the most serious discussions. Life could be good like this.

"One day at a time, Castle," she answered with a grin, right before she kissed him sufficiently to render Serena Kaye, and any of the other women he had known, nothing more than vague memories.

After the Serena incident, Kate realized she didn't want to lose her chance with Castle. The explosion at the bank happened soon after that, and she had to cope with the idea of how empty her life would be if she had actually lost him. Dinner at his loft that night gave Kate a glimpse of what she wanted and allowed his family to see that things were changing between the two of them. They didn't change their behavior at the precinct, but it wasn't long before Lanie and the boys began to notice subtle differences in their responses to one another; however, being the friends that they were, they kept it among themselves.

Kate's breakdown showed her that Castle really could back away when it was what she needed, even though she knew it was the hardest thing she could expect him to do. He eventually admitted he sent Esposito to talk to her, and she appreciated him even more. He could find a way to have her back, even if he wasn't the one who knew how to help.

About a month after their initial talk, Castle finally broke down and showed Kate the progress he had made on her mother's case…asking for her forgiveness, explaining the same fear for her life that she had felt for his at the bank, and eliciting a promise that they would look for help before things got out of hand again. He insisted that they should be smart and careful about further steps forward, and Kate had made enough personal progress by then to be able to grudgingly forgive him and agree…to see the merit in his terms.

It was truly, as they had both expected, one step forward and two steps back for a while, but Kate found herself taking smaller steps back and larger steps forward. As he promised, Rick went to some therapy sessions with her, and in truth, they helped him as well.

After one of her private sessions with her therapist, Rick drove her back to the loft for a late dinner with Alexis.

"I like your Dr. Burke," Castle mentioned as he hung up his coat and took Kate's.

"He told me tonight that my partner was an impressive man. I told him I thought so, too."

"Did I bring home the right woman?" he asked, feigning shock. "Someone here is feeding my ego."

"Don't get too used to it," she laughed.

"I thought I heard you come in," Alexis called as she bounced down the stairs to hug both of them.

"Kate and I brought dinner. How about set the table, and we can eat in short order. I hope you're hungry. We brought a lot."

As they were finishing their meal, Alexis seemed to want to ask something, but was hesitating.

"What's up Alexis," Kate asked with an understanding smile. "Out with it."

"Tomorrow is your day off, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is."

"I need a dress for a Christmas party. December is always busy. The orchestra has extra rehearsals and concerts, along with everything else at school and Christmas shopping. I don't want to wait until everybody's already picked out all the good ones. Grams went in for a call-back today. If she gets the part, rehearsals start tomorrow. No time for shopping for a while."

"Your friends are all busy?"

"No. Well, I don't know. I didn't ask them."

"Why not? Is anything wrong?"

"No. I'd just rather go with you…if you have time," Alexis admitted, suddenly looking shy about it.

"Sounds like fun. I'd love to go shopping with you," Kate answered. "We _will_ find the perfect dress."

"Thank you," Alexis answered with her beaming smile.

Kate turned to Rick and saw another smile, warm and satisfied, as he watched. When Alexis had chosen to ignore her school friends in favor of her father's girlfriend, Kate's heart had filled with such joy that it took her by completely by surprise. She loved Rick, and she loved his daughter…and she suddenly understood that she belonged here with the two of them.

"I'll pick you up at ten?"

"Let's make a real day of it. Dad, can we have a driver tomorrow so Kate doesn't have to worry about parking?" she begged excitedly.

"A driver! You never ask for a car…but sure. I'll call tonight."

"Well, it's the first time we've had anything like a mother/dau…. I mean…. I'm sorry, Kate. I didn't mean to…." The excitement faded and she looked down, seeming embarrassed.

Tears welled in Kate's eyes, and she stood and hurried around the table to grab Alexis in a tight hug, resting her head on the teenager's soft red hair. "Alexis Castle, don't you dare ever apologize again for making me feel so welcome in your life. I love you. If that's how you think of me, it's okay…it's way more than okay."

"Would somebody hug me, too?" they heard from across the table. "I'm feeling a little left out."

The two women separated with tear-streaked faces and watery laughs and came at Castle from both sides, hugging him so energetically they nearly knocked his chair over.

"Hey, I said hug, not do bodily damage," he laughed, looking a little teary himself. As he wrapped an arm around each of them, they could see him reveling in what he had just witnessed.

Alexis wiped her eyes, looking much happier now but still showing a trace of embarrassment. "I'll meet you out front tomorrow morning at ten, Kate." She gave her another hug before kissing her father on the cheek and announcing, "I'm going to take a shower and get some sleep. Thanks for the car tomorrow, Dad." She bounded up the stairs and disappeared into her room.

"Wow!" He looked up at Kate, his arm still around her waist. "That's the kind of bouncing up the stairs that was always reserved for things like Disney World. She almost never wants to take the 'rich kid car,' he explained, making air quotes with his fingers. "She wants that for you, Kate…to make the day more special. Are you really okay with all this?" He stood and pulled her into a hug.

"Yeah. I think so. It took me by surprise, how ready I was for that. Oh, geez, I might cry again."

"Me, too," he laughed. Then, sounding very serious, he squeezed her tight and said, "Thank you, Kate Beckett."

"For what?"

"For loving my little girl…and for finally realizing how much you belong here with us."

"How do you do that? I just figured it out myself."

"I saw your face when it dawned on you. Awesome moment!"

She pulled back and looked at him, smiling. "Want to be with me when I tell Dr. Burke?"

"Wild horses couldn't keep me away." He leaned and kissed her with all the emotion he'd kept in check as he had watched his two best girls become so much more to one another."

Her hands moved across his hips and around to his buttocks, and she pressed herself closer than she'd allowed before. He had reciprocated and was kissing her again, and pulling her even closer before he realized what they were flirting with and softened the kiss. She obviously didn't want to stop, but ex-playboy, Richard Castle, actually found himself talking a woman out of his bed. He didn't want to think she even _might_ regret it later. He eased them gradually out of the embrace he really didn't want to give up and held her away...not as far as arm's length, but far enough to regain control.

"Why?" she asked.

"I want to know we're ready for this. The first time I have you in my bed, I don't want it to be a one step forward, any steps back thing. I don't want either of us to have one single regret. I know you. Tonight was a big step. You're going to need time to process what's happened. Kate, for me, this is the first time it hasn't been about getting a woman into bed. It's worth the wait."

"God, I love you," she answered, wrapping her arms around his waist and dropping her head to his chest. He had just turned down her advances and still managed to make her feel so loved and protected that she was almost of the opinion she should thank him for it.

"I love you, too." He kissed her head and held her gently, stroking her back for a couple of minutes. Softly he reminded her, "It's getting late, and it sounds like you and Alexis have a big day planned. I can tell you from personal experience, she's a marathon shopper.

She sighed into his chest and kissed the closest spot she could reach but didn't move away.

"Want me to drive you home? If you stay, I may not be this much of a gentleman for long. And you know I'm right."

"As long as you leave me at my door with another kiss like the first one."

"Deal," he grinned, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and walking to where he'd hung their coats.

After Serena, Beckett's wall had begun to weaken, and Castle was always there to help with the demolition…not with a battering ram, just a hammer and chisel, patiently breaking out little pieces one by one; and to his joy, they were beginning to fall away faster.

After Alexis, she wanted even more to work out the things keeping her from being able to carry her share of a good, healthy relationship with Castle. She wanted to make herself whole again for her own peace of mind, but equally because she wanted to feel free to be a part of his life…his family. All the problems weren't gone, but there was steady, encouraging progress.

Castle and Kate became closer over the next weeks, each helping the other cope with their insecurities while becoming more secure about being together. One night when Martha and Alexis were both away, they finally reached the moment when they knew there would be no stepping back, no regrets. She refused to be the one who broke Castle's rule about allowing Alexis to find a woman leaving his bed in the morning, but it didn't stop Rick from staying at Kate's apartment overnight. They knew Alexis would be happy for them, but Kate didn't want his daughter to feel awkward in her own home.

She and Rick both knew the wall wasn't entirely gone, and probably wouldn't be for a good while, but it was now infinitely easier to negotiate. It was enough. She smiled more, laughed more, was more spontaneous. It came as a shock to her to realize one day that this was the person she used to be…and she really liked her old self. Castle had told her she needed a family again, and being with Alexis did seem to alleviate some of the ache of not having her mother. It was good for both of them. There were new mother/daughter memories being built.

Kate was at the loft much more often and began to feel even more like part of the family. To help that along, Castle invited her father to join them now and then, and he and Jim Beckett obviously enjoyed one another's company. They talked, and joked, and razzed each other as if they had been friends for years.

The Castles' Christmas dinner included Kate and her father, and the two families talked and laughed through the entire meal. At the end, all of them except Jim claimed that they might never have room for dessert. Jim's response was, "Good. More for me."

Alexis suggested that they open their gifts first, then she stopped, as if forgetting something, looked at her father and asked "Now?"

"I think it's time," he agreed.

Alexis picked up the three cards she had slipped next to her chair when they sat down to eat, keeping one and handing the other two, face down, to her father and her grandmother.

"On three," Castle instructed. "One…two…three."

On three they all held up the large cards that Alexis had decorated, and Kate read across the cards the three of them held below their hopeful faces. "Will…you…marry us?"

She laughed as she looked at them, knowing that she would enjoy surprises like this with Rick's wonderfully warm, eccentric family…her wonderfully warm, eccentric family, she finally admitted to herself…for the rest of her life.

"Yes," she answered. "I would love to marry you." She admitted to herself that the thought still scared the hell out of her, but she was in better control of that now. She felt ready and knew Rick wouldn't ask unless he thought she was, too; and she trusted him. No one knew her as well as he did. She knew she wanted to be a part of his family, and she was tired of keeping her life on hold. They loved her; she was sure of that now, and she loved and trusted all of them enough to dive in and take the chance.

From his place beside her at the table, Rick pulled her into a hug and kissed her briefly, then suddenly everyone was on their feet hugging everyone else. Alexis couldn't seem to let Kate go.

"Do I get to call you Mom?"

Kate looked over his daughter's shoulder at Rick, wondering what he thought. The girl did still have a mother, after all.

He grinned his approval and parroted, "Does she get to call you Mom?"

"I'd be honored," she answered, and braced herself to be part of an even bigger Alexis bear hug.

Jim Beckett reached across to shake Castle's hand. "You have my blessings, Rick. I couldn't ask for my Katie to have a better family."

"Do I get to call you Dad?" Rick asked mischievously, echoing his daughter's question to Kate.

Jim laughed and squeezed Rick's shoulder. "I'd be honored." Then, in his own moment of exuberance, he grabbed Rick and pulled him into a big fatherly hug while they both laughed.

Rick extricated himself from the hug and pushed his way past his mother and daughter to get to Kate. He took a ring out of the box that seemed to miraculously materialize from his pocket, slid it on her finger, and kissed her hand near the ring. After giving her barely more than a few seconds to look at it, he planted a thorough kiss on her lips and lifted her off the floor to twirl her around with typical Richard Castle enthusiasm. When he put her down, he asked hopefully, "Do you like it?"

She looked at her ring, thoughtfully chosen to be both practical for her job as well as beautiful. "I love it," she answered, watching the smile on his face grow larger in satisfaction.

"Now," he announced, taking her hand to lead her to the living room, "this beautiful woman is going to sit on this couch, very close to her ecstatically happy fiancé, and we're all going to open our presents.

With that, a flurry of noisy, excited activity drew Kate into the beginning of the kind of life she knew her mother would have wanted for her. And she actually found herself imagining a little Castle baby sharing the fun.


End file.
